Should I stay or should I go?

traffic sign with stay pointing one way, go pointing the other

Good news! I’ve learned how to use voice-activated dictation.

I’ve been struggling with my fine motor skills, including my typing. This has made it difficult for me to communicate with you, my dear readers. Were my hands steadier, I would have posted to my blog sooner. I feel like my thoughts are trapped in my head and I am unable to share them with you. Being unable to text on my cell phone, something I didn’t think twice about doing previously, is tough too. Just yesterday I learned how to use voice activated dictation. I am clumsy but I will get it.

Because we have been questioning whether I need to be in the hospice–I am less sick than I was when I was admitted there–I am still alive, although it has been a difficult week. I am less steady on my feet and do a lot of sitting around. And sleeping, often through the mornings. My poor balance frustrates me. Judy needs support me as I walk. I am often more alert in the afternoons but my days are shrinking.

The hospice has granted me day passes so I can spend time at home, where I am more comfortable. Also, I have a pass for this long weekend. With this pass, J. and I will be able to determine whether I need to be at hospice or whether, with her support, I might be able to function at home. It would certainly be less exhausting travelling between hospice and home every day.

Here’s my bigger dilemma: do I stay at the hospice, where the resources are immediately available if am in medical distress, or do I take the risk of moving back home, knowing I may not be able to access those supports when I need them? Also do I stay at a place where I am comfortable knowing I am waiting to die, when I would rather be at home with my family?

By the end of this long weekend, we will make this decision. I am not in denial about my impending death and neither is Judy. I arrived at the hospice sicker than I am today. So I have the weekend to decide where I need to be, and am lucky that the hospice will hold my bed. If I need to return to the hospice, even over the weekend, that’s what I’ll do.

If we decide we don’t need hospice yet, I will reengage with the palliative home-care team and they will support me in the home as needed. Maybe that will mean home viisits or telephone calls with the palliative home-care nurse. Either way I will have supports available to me.

It is strange to check into a facility assuming I would never check out, except perhaps by checking out. But we may decide my dying at home is a better option. So I’ll have the weekend to decide where it would be best for me to die (assuming I don’t die over the weekend). Some time will help us to sort this out.

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16 thoughts on “Should I stay or should I go?

  1. I’m glad you get to be at home in your own bed with your doggie. Does Jelly get to cuddle with you on the bed?

    This whole thing is so horrible. I am glad you get to be surrounded by familiar things.

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  2. Oh, Annie, it is the best thing ever to hear your words through your writing. I speak for all your followers when I say, you have been SO missed! Your blog has become such a part of my routine that I miss your words terribly. However, I can read previous posts to be inspired, laugh, cry, and learn. Thank you so very much for your words, they are appreciated more than words can ever say.

    I pray that you and J will find peace, calm, tranquility and a balance that will aid you in making the right decision for your family. I wish with all my being that you did not have to make this decision. I know that you are one of the most intelligent people that I have ever met, so you will do what is best for you and J.

    I am praying for you and J, sending all my positive energy, and gentle bear hugs.

    I hope you have a nice Canada Day weekend snuggled with J and Jelly.

    I love you!!

    Marnie

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  3. It is a tough call. Do what brings you joy. Ambulance is never far away should you need it to get back to hospice or the emergency room. If being home is too stressful and the joy isn’t worth the stress, then you’ll have your answer. Relieved that you have found your “voice”. It was too quiet this week without your posting, your texts, your communication. Love you, lots.

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    • Thanks for your input, Pam. It has been a stressful time, for sure. I too missed writing this week–I just haven’t had the motor control. I miss the support that you and all my readers have given me. But I am here and I do miss you too. XOXO

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