She’s too sexy for her panties.

I thank everyone for their interest in my recently posted part-time patient position. Only applicants being considered for the position will be contacted.

It’s been a rough few days over here, and I’m not even referring to our furnace’s demise. Jelly suffered through surgery on her hind end last Friday. Her shaved back end looks somewhat baboon like, but J. won’t let me post a picture. The procedure went well but we somehow have to stop Jelly from removing the stitches herself for 10 long days.

Our first solution was the cone head. You know that plastic contraption that looks like a martini glass without the olive? Dogs can’t reach much of anything with their mouths while it’s on, although she seemed well able to eat out of her dog bowl at dinner time.

I can’t blame Jelly for hating her cone. She will sleep with the cone on during the day but at night, not so much. After the sedation wore off, she was in and out of bed all night for two nights. She cried for hours, and, once she fell asleep, she woke us every few hours to remind us of her misery. I have no idea how J. managed to make it in to work this week since I’ve been dragging myself on and off the couch.

After 90 minutes of non-stop whining one night, I began having bad parenting thoughts. First I wanted to strangle her, but then I thought of drugs. Yes, I considered a little Benadryl to tire her out enough so we could all get some sleep. I knew I’d feel terribly guilty if I stooped to that. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but that desperate? How would I ever have managed two-legged children?

Our sympathetic vet suggested one last intervention before we resort to sedation. She suggested doggie underpants to make the back end inaccessible. Yes, doggie underpants do exist, as do doggie Depends for those with incontinence problems, and doggie mini-pads for those who get their periods. So I bought a pair of girl-dog undies–we chose from the Tarzan collection–and tried them on her, but it turned out they were a bit sexy tight. I’d say Jelly is more of a brief than bikini kind of girl. We bought one size up.

I’m sure you’re eager to know how they’re working. Well, of course she’s afraid of them. She has been running and hiding whenever we bring them out. But she was willing to wander around with them, albeit using very small, timid steps. And, praise the Lord, she is sleeping at night again.

Of course, no solution is steadfast: already Jelly has learned how to get the darned things off. We can’t wait until Monday when she gets the stitches out. So as much as we continue to put them on her, even though they’re off by morning, we’re persisting so I can sleep.

There’s been one bonus: our previously walk-averse dog has started running to the door when we bring out the leash because she’s learned she gets to leave her panties at home. I guess it’s time we accept she’s a nudist.

Basset hound with leopard-print underpants on, with grimace on face

Here is Jelly getting into character.

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