Annie Crime Stopper reporting from the bank

Female police officer handcuffing male perpetrator against police car.

I’d make a terrible cop, wouldn’t I?

What an exciting Monday I had! I headed off to yoga in the morning, with time to drop by the bank on my way. I needed to deposit a few cheques and grab some cash. Little did I know what would transpire… [Ominous music starts in the background.]

I usually hit this bank because each teller has a bowl of great candies, and the longer the transaction takes, the more candies I manage to snarf down. But I only needed an ATM, so I entered the vestibule and got working.

As I was withdrawing my money, a fellow with a hoody pulled over his head joined me in the vestibule. When he took a few deposit envelopes from the ATM beside me, I noticed he also had a dark shirt covering the lower part of his face. [Neurons start firing slowly.] I figured the fellow was cold since he was underdressed for the weather.

Then I considered [a few more neurons start firing, ominous music gets louder] that Mr. Hood might actually be Mr. Thief, and wondered if he’d rob me. Instead, he proceeded into the bank, and within a few short minutes, he exited. As I finished my transaction, I saw Mr. Hood walking briskly away.

An employee locked the bank door immediately after Mr. Hood left, leaving me in the vestibule. I looked at bank staff quizzically but they waved me away. No candies today. [Loud sigh.] As I headed to yoga, my lightbulb slowly went on [dimmer switch rises slowly]: Mr. Hood had robbed the bank. Had I arrived a minute or two later, I could have been in the bank pillaging candy during the robbery!

My suspicions were confirmed when I drove back past the bank after class. I saw two police cars there, lights flashing. I continued home rather than stopping to provide my witness statement.

And so I wondered, what could I have done? I could have taken Mr. Hood down in the vestibule but my taekwondo is rusty, and Mr. Hood may have had a weapon. I could have shouted “Stop! Thief!” which, while alerting staff to the impending robbery, may have escalated the situation. Or I could have fainted from fear, which would have been in character but not very useful.

What should I have done? A police-wise woman told me next time that happens (next time?!) to leave and call 9-1-1, in order to alert emergency services sooner. But in this case, 30 seconds’ advance notice would probably not have been enough to stop this thief.

Once I was home, I called the police nonemergency line to share what I’d seen. I reported Mr. Hood was a white caucasian male, slim build, between 20 and 30 years old, blah blah blah. Had my neurons been firing a little faster, maybe I’d have been able to provide a better description.

Oh well. Maybe I haven’t earned a crime stopper costume for Hallowe’en after that lame performance. A cowardly lion suit may be more appropriate. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll go trick or treating at the bank this year. [Lion roars with excitement.] Those candy bowls may be stuffed with little chocolate bars right about now.

Woman in cowardly lion costume

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