I’m coming back as a rock

Simple diamond ring

This stunning rock could be me.

I know I’ve been unsettling you lately with all my talk of death, but we have a bit more to cover. Don’t be alarmed; this is not a bad-news post. On the contrary, I hope to surprise you and delight you and make you laugh.

I wouldn’t be writing about death again so soon were it not for my darn CBC Calgary app. Every time I check the local news, I am confronted with images of dead people memorialized in three-dimensional stone images. This picture is associated with a story on a funeral convention that took place in Lake Louise earlier this month. I’m thinking CBC should update their darn Calgary app page a little more often.

I did learn a lot about trends in funerals, though, information which may come in handy some day. Did you know that, in addition to creating likenesses of themselves in stone, people are now live streaming their funerals? “No worries if you can’t make it to my funeral. Just watch it on line!” That is not me speaking. I’ve already told you I expect you to come to my funeral. I want a good send off from all of you.

I’ve mentioned previously that cremation isn’t my thing, but I may have to reconsider. I learned from the article that I could have an urn in the shape of a football, which would be silly since I have no particular fondness for football and I don’t want anyone throwing me around by mistake.

Also, cremation could allow me to finally give J. the rock she’s been longing for. Yes, from a starting price of $3000, I can have my ashes compressed into a diamond, and diamonds are forever. How romantic is that?

While we’re at it, we might as well talk about the obituary and the eulogy. Let’s be clear here that I will not be passing away (too passive), or going to heaven (not for the reasons you might think), or being called up by God (too much time spent coveting and consuming bacon); I will be dying. But I won’t go down without a fight. I may be battling cancer, but my battle is anything but courageous. I am a chicken, remember? (Any comments to the contrary will be gratefully trashed.) My only bravery may be sharing my fears so openly with you.

If you want to speak at the funeral, you’ll have to run that by J. But there will be no sentimental stuff and no tears allowed. Funny stories only because even in death I want to make you laugh. Sadness is grossly overrated.

Finally, I’d appreciate it if you’d consider familiarizing yourself with the song I’ve chosen for the special day so you’ll be able to sing along. It’s called Dream Big by Ryan Shupe and the RubberBand, and I doubt you’ve heard it before. J. and I first discovered this song during a vacation. Dream Big is catchy and upbeat and even a bit twangy and I really need to stop singing it at full volume in my car. Because I’m not keeling over for some time yet. Trust me on that.



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