As I’m sure you’ve noticed, this blog is a work in progress. I’m learning as I go. I hoped my entries would be a comfort to others challenged by health issues, including cancer, and to provide insight into the daily experience of living with illness. I want every post to be engaging and funny and to resonate with readers, but I know that’s not realistic.
Soon after I released my last post, I regretted what I had written. The tone was too self-indulgent and even whiny, which is not the intent of this blog. I was almost tempted to delete the post altogether, but after stewing about it overnight, I decided not to. I need to accept that I’m going to blow it sometimes, at least in my own eyes.
I am quite an expert at blurting out things I later regret, and with this blog, I have a new forum in which to do that. Usually I just offend one person at a time, but I realize I have infinite potential to offend the masses now. Sometimes I marvel at the fact that I’m a psychologist since I’m so impulsive.
To make things worse, I am the master of holding on to regret and remorse. In my head, I keep a list of people I owe an apology the next time I see them, and I regularly lose sleep over my buffoonery. “Why did I say that?” is too common an internal refrain.
I know how counterproductive it is to stew about things that have happened, things I can’t change, yet I persist. Over the years, I have often encouraged clients to forgive themselves for things they’ve said or done that they later regret. What kind of hypocrite does that make me? No wonder I’m a failure at meditation and all that “living in the moment” crap. Lest my sarcasm be misinterpreted, that “living in the moment” crap isn’t crap at all; it’s a great goal for all of us to aspire to. Come see me and I might even be able to help you focus more on the present, whether or not I can do it myself. I may not practice what I preach, but I certainly try. Getting sick has helped to some degree: why waste however long I have wallowing in remorse? There are so many better ways to pass the time, like eating chocolate.
So in honour of this goal, I have not changed one word from my last blog post. I may regret that I posted something I’m not especially proud of, and I certainly hope I haven’t bored or offended anyone. Nonetheless, what I’ve written will stay in cyberspace in perpetuity, a reminder of all those times I say something I later regret. Let its presence be a gesture of my genuine effort not to dwell in the past.
If you have any tips for stewing less, feel free to send them on. Sure, I might know them already, but we all need gentle reminders sometimes.